George Harris, Kansas City Star Reader Advisory Panel
It's just too easy to ridicule South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Not that I'm always above that sort of thing and not that I don't enjoy the humor in the mockery heaped on him, but I couldn't think of anything original to say.
Plus, I've felt really sorry for the whole family. The public humiliation would be tough for anyone to suffer. Well, almost anyone; there are some people who seem to like the attention.
But the governor made one comment I can't resist saying something about because I hear it so often in my work as a therapist.
She's my "soulmate" the governor said, referring to his Argentinian lover. The man needs some serious reflection about this.
Whenever people tell me they've found their soulmate or that they're looking for their soulmate, I ask, "But what if your soulmate lives in Beijing? How are you ever going to find her (or him)?"
Of course, there's another problem: If you find your soulmate in Beijing, how are you gonna talk to her?
The notion of soulmates implies that an unseen hand is guiding our love lives, that destiny awaits our discovery.
And if we believe that romantic nonsense, we tend to believe that once our soulmates are found, we will have effortless marital bliss.
Oops. It doesn't work that way.
Relationships are not so much found as built. Sure, it's important to find someone you're attracted to, someone who seems to share your values and goals. But after that, a relationship needs effort to work out conflicts and to build respect and consideration.
Most of us (including me) have moments of immaturity and selfishness that can't succeed in the crucible of family life. We have to find ways to grow up and make accommodations to be successful in our families.
And goofy ideas like the idea of soulmates keep us from being realistic about our relationships.
I wouldn't want to guess too much about the problems in the life of the governor and his first lady. Is she cold and unloving? Is he having a mid-life "crisis", having pretended most of his life to be something he is not? Is he now discovering that he has forced himself into an image of marriage that he thought would meet social approval but that inwardly stifles him?
These are the types of problems millions of people encounter and struggle with, fortunately without the glare of media flashbulbs.
So, ok, Governor Sanford can be the butt of jokes for awhile. He placed himself in the public eye and held himself out as a "family man."
But the problems he is having stem from some really silly ideas millions of people have about marriage and relationships and that can be seen every day in the media.
Let's hope the Governor gets some real help.









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Count me in too as having my posts edited or deleted
And yet the Kansas City Star will publish a letter to the editor saying pro life people are raping children as well as their own daughters and bringing them to get abortions!
http://blogs.kansascity.com/unfettered_letters/2009/06/ideals-too-lofty-to-live-by.html
Too bad the same standards can't be applied to ALL parts of this site and newspaper!
Sanford. Again.
Who cares?
All that is needed is a Sarah Palin thread? Oh wait, there is one.
Good grief. The Star is going to have to start linking to HuffPo in order to get people to read this blog now. (But will their comments be edited or deleted...I bet not).
Criticism or Affirmation?
I’m not sure whether Interface’s comment (and the piece in the hyperlink) was meant as a criticism of my earlier comment, or an affirmation. Love is a pretty complex and confusing thing, perhaps made more so by the various things we mean by love: romantic love, parental love brotherly love, love my MTV.
It the point of the article was that being in love with someone you actually love is better than just being in love, I couldn’t agree more.
Marriage, Love and Being in Love
I have considerably more sympathy for Mark Sanford. He seems tormented by his emotions, and you could hardly call the way this has played out a political calculation.
Marriage, Love and Being in Love are all quite different. Hopefully, for most of us they can all reside in one person. Marriage does, as Mr. Harris says, take work much of the time. Love takes no work; it is an emotion that grows over time. I find it hard to visualize loving someone without knowing and sharing with them for a long time.
Being in love is almost pure emotion—lust, longing, thrill, connection, passion. While Harris disparages the word “soulmate” (it is a silly word), being in love is the most wonderful sensation a human being is capable of. Unfortunately, it often causes us (or at least tempts us) to do things that are that are not in our long-term best interest.
Being in love is not a long-term condition. In the best of marriages, being in love ebbs and flows. You might be in love with your spouse 40 years after your marriage, and might have loved him/her the whole time; but I’ll wager you weren’t in love for the whole 40 years.
I don’t know that Sanford should remain as Governor of South Carolina. I do have sympathy for him as a fellow human being. From the outside it appears to me that he loves one woman and is in love with another. He appears tortured (self-inflicted, yes, but tortured nonetheless).
love as a verb
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Jenny's got it right
Nice post George. As Jenny Sanford herself elegantly put it: "I believe enduring love is primarily a commitment and an act of will, and for a marriage to be successful, that commitment must be reciprocal." She gets it. He doesn't.