By Larry Marsh, Kansas City Star Midwest Voices columnist 2009

You may think that greedy wall street bankers were the cause of our financial crisis, but if you dig deeper, you will discover they were duped by aliens.

Aliens (aka "quants") created those highly leveraged financial derivatives that turned our banking system into a house of cards.

The aliens are everywhere. They devise complicated schemes to watch your every move and control your life.

At the shopping mall, you use your credit card. As your data are being processed by the computer, an alien is intercepting your information.

The alien knows your past purchases including when you shop, where you shop, what you buy and might be expected to buy and in what quantities.

In a nanosecond the alien uses an artificial neural network algorithm to calculate the probability that you are you.

If you are buying the usual thing, at the usual time and place, no problem.

However, if you are trying to purchase something you don't usually buy at an unusual place (for you) at an unusual time (for you), the calculated probability that you are you may fall below the acceptable threshold.

The clerk's computer screen flashes "check id." The aliens have blocked your purchase.

But it doesn't end there. When you finally get that toaster or television home, you find a registration form to fill out and send in.

It starts out asking for the model number, date purchased and the price paid. Then it wants to know your mailing address, phone number and email address. Next it needs your age, gender and education. After that it's on to your marital status, income and net worth.

At some point you say "enough is enough," and send it in with one or more questions left blank.

Well, at least you thought you left them blank.

Don't worry, the aliens have figured out your "type" and will fill in the blanks for you with amazing accuracy. So much for privacy.

The aliens know where you live and the value of your home in today's market, even if you don't.

Aliens control those special discount coupons printed out on your sales receipts.

They know your favorite restaurants and what you like to do in your spare time.

Aliens observe husbands and wives making joint decisions. Couples buy a house; they buy a car; they go out to eat; they have a baby.

Aliens can determine whether one or the other partner dominates a particular family decision and how strongly they agree or disagree with one another.

Define "fighting" as a negative correlation and "supportive" as a positive correlation.

Applying these definitions to joint decisions, aliens can determine if your neighbors are fighting, what they are fighting about, and how intensely they are fighting.

I won't even start to tell you about all the stuff the aliens are doing to you over the Internet.

Statistical methods are very powerful and very dangerous.

They can be used to clarify or to deceive, for good or for evil.

Like Harry Potter, statistical analysts deal with unobservables every day, they are the wizards of the 21st century.

The bottom line is this: if you think you can go through life without being affected by the results of statistical methods and statistical analysis, forget it.

You are on the wrong planet. The aliens have already taken over this one.

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Also see:

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One day will nanobots fight wars in nanospace?

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