By Roger Merryfield, Special to The Kansas City Star

Now that the election is behind us, it’s time to make the transition to what life will be like for the next four years.

I was worried for a while, even a little scared, about having a Democrat in the White House, with Nancy, Harry and Barney partying away in Congress.

But I’ve decided to embrace change. I just need to relax — it’ll be fine … now that we have hope.

Rather than waste time coming up with all those covert programs to spread the wealth around, let’s just empower the federal government to take possession of the entire U.S. gross domestic product and divide it up among the population.

Everyone will get the same amount. You know — fairness. All men are created equal after all.

Our GDP is around $13 trillion a year, although it’s hard to know what it will be in the future since those capitalists wrecked the economy. Spread over about 300 million people, every man, woman, and child will get around $44,000 per year.

This assumes, of course, that everyone will continue to produce the same amount as they do now. I’m sure we can find ways to enforce that.

No more fighting over who pays taxes and who doesn’t, and how much.

Only a 100 percent inheritance tax will remain to pay for administrative costs and ensure that everyone has the same start in life.

If there are new funding needs in the future, we can always borrow or print the money. No problem.

The middle class will be restored — heck, everyone will be middle class. Perfect! No more class warfare.

We won’t have to worry anymore about unfair CEO compensation. In fact, let’s just eliminate CEOs. All they’ve ever done is rip off workers, run companies into the ground and escape with their golden parachutes. Just outlaw them.

Wow! No more arguing over minimum wage, no more glass ceilings, no more need for affirmative action. There certainly will be equal pay for equal work.

Unemployment disappears overnight. Just “Imagine,” John Lennon fans.

Let’s put an end to the housing crisis by making every house worth the same amount. It’s my right to live wherever I want.

And no one gets to own seven houses anymore either. How ridiculous. Finally, some shared sacrifice.

Hey, no more illegal immigration problem. Everyone coming here from abroad can just sign up to receive their fair share. I don’t see any need to require anything else of them.

After all, they’re just trying to provide for their families, same as you and me.
To solve the health care crisis, I propose the “Health Opportunity Act of 2009.” This breakthrough human rights legislation will finally recognize my inalienable right to good health by introducing much needed regulation to prohibit illness.

The program will be funded by reparations from healthy people who made more than $250,000 per year prior to the inauguration.
Let’s apply this approach, this fairness doctrine, to education and give every student a “C” grade in every class. Those “A” students don’t really need those higher grades; they’ll be fine with a little less.

It’s time they step up, be more patriotic. America “like it should be.” College would certainly be more affordable.

We can do something else that’s long overdue — regulate losing in sports. After all, we fans deserve better than cheering for losing teams.

It’s heartbreaking and it’s not fair! (Stomp your foot here.)

An equal number of championships will now be awarded to all teams. And no more MVP awards — we can’t disrespect the vast majority of players for the benefit of the top 1 percent.

Now that I’ve had more time to think about it, this is all good. I’m tired of being on my own.

Roger Merryfield has worked in accounting and finance. He lives in Shawnee. To reach Midwest Voices columnists, write to the author c/o the Editorial Page, The Kansas City Star, 1729 Grand Blvd., Kansas City, MO 64108. Or send e-mail to