By Christian Dashiell, Midwest Voices panelist 2008
I wonder how long it took the fertility god Osiris to get used to the reality that his fruitfulness was a matter of community discourse. I assume he came to be at peace with the situation, as his prowess wound up being cause for worship.
When my wife and I were in the process of adopting our daughter, I must admit that I was not as appreciative of my fecundity being discussed in the public square.
Part of the struggle lay in the fact that those who broached the issue had some idea they were dealing with taboo subject matter. Nobody actually came to me personally to talk about my fertility, but they did feel it appropriate to approach family members and coworkers in an effort to satisfy their curiosities.
When the members of my inner circle sought guidance as to how I wanted them to respond, my retorts vacillated between bitter annoyance (“Request they keep their nose on their face and out of my business!”) and sarcastic irritation (“Inform them I sat too close to the microwave.”).
Eventually, I came to a place where I encouraged people to politely explain that fertility is a sensitive issue, and that it was not something I was interested in discussing via proxies.
Now that I am removed from the experience, our cultural norms and assumptions regarding both adoption and fertility continue to frustrate me. Not so much for reasons of personal pride anymore, but more for the effects they have on people’s decisions to adopt.
As much as we like to consider ourselves removed from ancient cultic paradigms, we still have room for improvement when it comes to human reproduction. Our ability to produce children is still a strong cultural value, regardless of whether or not we actually choose to use that ability. But one of the consequences of this is an underlying pressure for people to give birth, and ensuing emotional stress if they chose not to or are unable to.
And as adoption is interpreted as a de facto admission of infertility, I cannot help but think that people of any fertility status are dissuaded from considering adoption. The situation is unfortunate, as children all over the world desperately need permanent homes.
In Ethiopia alone (population 72 million), there are over 6 million orphans and 500,000 street children. The numbers are also staggering in Asia, where in 2001 there were 65 million orphans on the continent.
But statistics alone do not tell the entire story. I did not fully come to terms with the gravity of the situation until my wife and I had the opportunity to visit the Go Vap orphanage in Vietnam, where we adopted our daughter, Elliana.
It was encouraging to see how much the orphanage staff loved the kids. Their dedication was evident as we interacted with the caregivers. But there was also sadness as we realized how understaffed the orphanage was. While the children had their most basic physical needs met, they were lacking the interpersonal nurturing that kids require to thrive.
On most days, Elliana’s only contact with other adults was limited to her feeding times. When it was Elliana’s turn to eat, her caretaker would remove her from her crib and give her a bottle. But when that bottle had been completed she was placed back in her crib until her spot in the rotation returned. As we left the orphanage happy to have completed our adoption of Elliana, it was frustrating to depart knowing there were many kids who might never be united with a permanent family.
Until we are able to adequately address the underlying causes of the international orphan crisis, we should be doing whatever we can to support and encourage families who feel called to adopt. This not only includes undercutting societal assumptions about who adopts and why people adopt, but also destabilizing unstated racial tensions by embracing and celebrating multiethnic families.
As our society evolves, it would be a fantastic development if we were able to fully esteem people who create stable families, regardless of how kids entered those families.
Christian Dashiell is a coordinator of a leadership development program for urban adolescent boys. He lives in Kansas City, Kan. To reach Midwest Voices columnists, write to the author c/o the Editorial Page, The Kansas City Star, 1729 Grand Blvd., Kansas City, MO 64108. Or send e-mail to
