"Money means almost nothing to Bill Clinton," says his wife in her book, Living History. Nevertheless, they've accumulated a pile of it in the years since he left office, taking in the tidy sum of $109 million. Just think how much they'd make if they become a two-former-Presidents family!

What kind of President would Hillary make? Well, she seems awfully partial to women and children in her concerns.

Preborn children should not be confused and think this applies to them. The right of women to kill their unborn trumps all even if, when speaking of Mother Teresa, Hillary says, "We shared the conviction that adoption was a vastly better choice than abortion for unplanned or unwanted babies."

In her book, she mentions her first scholarly article. Published in the Harvard Educational Review and entitled "Children Under the Law," it appears to rate marriage and family right up there with slavery and Indian reservations. All I could find online was this on nospank.net.

I think she describes herself as progressive, which I interpret loosely as a taxing big spender. After failing in her health care reform efforts, she was involved with Save America's Treasures which combined $60 million of government money with a matching amount of private money to restore old films, theaters, pueblos, and other "treasures."

Ten million of that went to restore the flag that inspired the National Anthem. "Its painstaking repair would cost millions; its loss would be incalculable," claims the porker-in-chief. As senator, Clinton claimed over $500 million in earmarks in 2007 alone. I think I'd probably sleep all right at night even if they hadn't restored that flag.

She'd be a traveling President. She said she was "concerned about a cavalier anti-intellectualism in our public discourse." Her very next sentence was, "Some members of Congress had proudly announced that they had never traveled outside of our country."

If you have never traveled outside the U.S., in the eyes of the junior carpetbagging senator from New York you are a cavalier non-intellectual. (Lucky for me that I've been out of the country.) About those proud Congressmen, are you sure, Sen. Clinton, that they weren't talking about not taking taxpayer-funded junkets?

The senator talks of her love of traveling with her husband saying, "He rose to every public occasion, delighted in meeting strangers, and had a vast appetite for new experiences." I found this funny since she was speaking about the African trip that came on the heels of the Lewinski matter coming to light.

Sen. Clinton believes "ideologically opposed countries can reach agreements and forge alliances if their leaders know and trust one another." Nurturing these relationships was the reason she gave for the frequent overseas trips that she, the President and the Veep made.

It's really hard to imagine the senator as nurturing, regardless of how good her homemade applesauce is. And, with all due respect to Chelsea and her campaign on behalf of her mother, since when does making a mean applesauce and reading to an under-the-weather 27-year-old qualify one for the highest office in the land?

Hillary's most notable trip was the African one. She mentions that the ABCs of AIDS prevention in Uganda are: Abstain, Be faithful or wear a Condom." That's just weird. Here in the U.S. the "C" is the only one pushed. Suggest abstinence for the unwed and you're labeled "irrelevant."

Within the space of 42 pages, Sen. Clinton wrote twice about the silly giggling of Zimbabwe's President Mugabe. I thought perhaps that was a little overkill, and it kind of confirmed my suspicion that I was the only person to suffer through the entire book. Really, Sen. Clinton, have you heard yourself laugh?

Fortunately for the senator, Mugabe may be going out of power. If she were elected President and he were still in office, it might get a little awkward meeting with someone she's outed as "giggling incessantly and inappropriately."

Sen. Clinton tells of a woman talking about the problems faced by women in Zimbabwe who said, "As long as you have a law that a man can have two wives, but a woman cannot have two husbands, you are not dealing with reality." That almost makes it sound like having two husbands would be a good thing. I guess that woman didn't get the memo about the study finding that a husband accounts for seven extra hours of housework a week.

As a response to being empty-nesters, the First Couple acquired Buddy, a chocolate lab. Sen. Clinton describes the President and his dog as being "perfect for each other, since Buddy had, or developed, many of Bill's traits." Since, as responsible pet owners, they had Buddy neutered, we can safely guess one of the traits Bill and Buddy don't share.

Buddy and Socks, the Clintons' cat, had so many fans that they had to have their own correspondence unit. I'm betting that Buddy and Socks weren't the ones making payroll, so I'm sure, if the Clintons return to the White House, we can look forward to more government money being spent on such important matters as answering children's letters to dumb animals.

Sen. Clinton did have a thing or two to say about the 2000 election. She said, "Al Gore won the popular vote by over 500,000 ballots but lost the presidency in the Electoral College. The Supreme Court voted 5-4 on December 12 to stop a recount of votes in Florida, effectively sealing the victory for Bush. Seldom if ever in our history has the people's right to choose their elected officials been thwarted by such a blatant abuse of judicial power."

I'm wondering which side of her mouth the good senator will be talking out of if Sen. Obama gets the majority of the popular vote on the Democratic side. Based on what she said about the 2000 election, she should let him have the nomination.

However, I bet she'll try for a Super Delegate win. After all, it's Hillary's turn.

Juanell Garrett--Midwest Voices '08