Kansas: Where controlling women and creating jobs works
The Kansas City Star
Gov. Brownback, may I call you Sam? I think a little intimacy is fair when you and your administration are working so hard to control my vagina.
So I see from your recent press release that you’re all about job creation for Kansans. Hey, something we can agree on! Republican or Democrat, man or woman, who could object to more jobs? Especially in the tech sector.
Now, I have to admit that I haven’t been thinking all that much about tech jobs lately. Instead, I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around all the restrictive legislation the great state of Kansas has proposed to limit my rights as a woman. However, job creation happens to be an issue where you and I agree. Kansas does need new jobs and business growth.
But then it hit me: there is a great way to create jobs — tech jobs and accomplish your goal of turning back women’s health to resemble the Victorian age! Stay with me, Sam, because you’re going to love this: microchips — the kind you implant in the family pet.
Microchips solve all of our problems. Just as, when Fido gets out, his chip that is implanted under his skin sends a signal back to home base so his family can track the loose dog, I propose a simple device to be implanted in every woman’s vagina. Bingo: every vagina accounted for. Best of all, we can manufacture the chips right here in Kansas.
Sounds radical, I know. Well, so did mandatory vaginal ultrasounds before abortions. But that’s all settled now, right?
Remember, it’s all about controlling a woman’s fertility. And this little fella will be set up to monitor a woman’s cycle and report its findings to her state government. Imagine: every sexual encounter, every partner, every form of birth control, every pregnancy, available for digital review. If the state so chooses, that data can be distributed to a woman’s employer, her church or anyone else who needs to know her sexual habits.
And it’s rhythm-method compatible, which will come in handy when Christian conservatives have their way and outlaw all contraception. The microchip can monitor a woman’s cycle and tell her the “safe” times in her cycle to have sex to avoid pregnancy, using a series of signals. I’m still trying to decide if it should be beeps or vibrations. Maybe personal ringtones as an option?
Wait, now that I think about it, no vibration setting. We wouldn’t want the woman to get sexually aroused. That defeats the purpose and suggests that sex can be had for reasons other than procreation. Hearing your “go time” signal in public might be a little embarrassing at first, but women will just have to get used to it.
Right, right, I know — you’re thinking who’s going to watch all this new vagina data? I don’t want you to get in trouble with your fellow Republicans, who are all for cutting the size of government. But this is different. Overseeing women’s bodies is really important to the GOP, and so is job creation.
So it’s time to establish the Department of Vaginas. It would monitor every microchip and alert physicians when they need to step in and deliver a baby. (Why examine lady parts if there’s no pregnancy involved?)
I think this is going to be great. And Sam, you’ll be the one who made Kansas the pioneer. Think of all of the conservative states that are going to line up for your chip: Texas, Oklahoma, Virginia … Texas again.
This is so obviously a win-win. We’ll look like we’re pushing the boundaries of technology, creating jobs and controlling women’s bodies. If that’s not a ticket to a future GOP presidential bid, I don’t know what is. I’ve already got your new bumper sticker: Kansas — where your vagina is everyone’s business.
Aimee Patton owns two companies, one in convention and meeting planning, the other in presentation design. She volunteers and enjoys tweeting, traveling, playing tennis and mah-jongg. She is raising a 5-year-old daughter. She lives in Overland Park. To reach her, send email to firstname.lastname@example.org or write to Midwest Voices, c/o Editorial Page, The Kansas City Star, 1729 Grand Blvd., Kansas City, MO 64108.