Kansas: Where controlling women and creating jobs works
Gov. Brownback, may I call you Sam? I think a little intimacy is fair when you and your administration are working so hard to control my vagina.
So I see from your recent press release that you’re all about job creation for Kansans. Hey, something we can agree on! Republican or Democrat, man or woman, who could object to more jobs? Especially in the tech sector.
Now, I have to admit that I haven’t been thinking all that much about tech jobs lately. Instead, I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around all the restrictive legislation the great state of Kansas has proposed to limit my rights as a woman. However, job creation happens to be an issue where you and I agree. Kansas does need new jobs and business growth.
But then it hit me: there is a great way to create jobs — tech jobs and accomplish your goal of turning back women’s health to resemble the Victorian age! Stay with me, Sam, because you’re going to love this: microchips — the kind you implant in the family pet.
Microchips solve all of our problems. Just as, when Fido gets out, his chip that is implanted under his skin sends a signal back to home base so his family can track the loose dog, I propose a simple device to be implanted in every woman’s vagina. Bingo: every vagina accounted for. Best of all, we can manufacture the chips right here in Kansas.
Sounds radical, I know. Well, so did mandatory vaginal ultrasounds before abortions. But that’s all settled now, right?
Remember, it’s all about controlling a woman’s fertility. And this little fella will be set up to monitor a woman’s cycle and report its findings to her state government. Imagine: every sexual encounter, every partner, every form of birth control, every pregnancy, available for digital review. If the state so chooses, that data can be distributed to a woman’s employer, her church or anyone else who needs to know her sexual habits.
And it’s rhythm-method compatible, which will come in handy when Christian conservatives have their way and outlaw all contraception. The microchip can monitor a woman’s cycle and tell her the “safe” times in her cycle to have sex to avoid pregnancy, using a series of signals. I’m still trying to decide if it should be beeps or vibrations. Maybe personal ringtones as an option?
Wait, now that I think about it, no vibration setting. We wouldn’t want the woman to get sexually aroused. That defeats the purpose and suggests that sex can be had for reasons other than procreation. Hearing your “go time” signal in public might be a little embarrassing at first, but women will just have to get used to it.
Right, right, I know — you’re thinking who’s going to watch all this new vagina data? I don’t want you to get in trouble with your fellow Republicans, who are all for cutting the size of government. But this is different. Overseeing women’s bodies is really important to the GOP, and so is job creation.
So it’s time to establish the Department of Vaginas. It would monitor every microchip and alert physicians when they need to step in and deliver a baby. (Why examine lady parts if there’s no pregnancy involved?)
I think this is going to be great. And Sam, you’ll be the one who made Kansas the pioneer. Think of all of the conservative states that are going to line up for your chip: Texas, Oklahoma, Virginia … Texas again.
This is so obviously a win-win. We’ll look like we’re pushing the boundaries of technology, creating jobs and controlling women’s bodies. If that’s not a ticket to a future GOP presidential bid, I don’t know what is. I’ve already got your new bumper sticker: Kansas — where your vagina is everyone’s business.
Aimee Patton owns two companies, one in convention and meeting planning, the other in presentation design. She volunteers and enjoys tweeting, traveling, playing tennis and mah-jongg. She is raising a 5-year-old daughter. She lives in Overland Park. To reach her, send email to oped@kcstar.com or write to Midwest Voices, c/o Editorial Page, The Kansas City Star, 1729 Grand Blvd., Kansas City, MO 64108.
Kent Mueller
1 year, 1 month agoAimee. I don’t agree with many of the Republican social proposals. However, I find your sarcastic piece utterly repugnant.
I thought you would be in favor of good public debate of the issues of the day. This piece sets that back to around the Victorian days that you mentioned.
An open question to all. Who is willing to be the first person to approach issues in a civil manner?
Chris Kamler
1 year, 1 month agoLol. You said “repugnant.”
The piece is sarcasm, Kent. Relax. Set out a shingle for “mustache rides” and enjoy the weekend.
Roger Mushinski
1 year, 1 month agoAimee, I think sarcasm can be an effective tool to help us think, which your article did for me. So, maybe you can help me think this one through. How is it that a woman can have unprotected sex and then choose to terminate an unwanted pregnancy, but the man who fathers the child does not have a choice whether or not to (legally) support the child financially for the next 18 years? When he fails to do so, as too often happens the government provides food stamps, welfare benefits, and free healthcare to the mother and child. Seems like when people are holding out their hand for government benefits, the once private matter of conceiving a child becomes everybody’s business.
Jack Gates
1 year, 1 month agoThe Falling Star continues to plunge even lower into depravity and irrelevancy.
Sarcasm? That’s a laugh. Typical liberal screed. Since they can’t debate the issues rationally, they have to resort to sophomoric tactics like this.
Victorian Age? I’m down with it. Yeah, I like Sarah Palin. But I’d prefer that she would have stayed home and ironed Todd’s shirts and monitored her daughters more.
We need less vaginas out running around trying to do a man’s job. Conversely we need more REAL men instead of the current breed of emasculated new castrati.
Matthew Nugent
1 year, 1 month agoRoger, did you mean to make the argument for increased access to abortion?
Matthew Thompson
1 year, 1 month agoSure blame the woman for a guy not using a condom, then blame her for wanting an abortion, then blame her if she does not get an abortion and needs help. Typical Republican males… I can’t wait for the day when science can forcibly impregnate men.
Kent Mueller
1 year, 1 month agoMatthew, why did you bring up rape?
Matthew Thompson
1 year, 1 month agoOn the day that they can take the embryo out of a woman who does not want to carry it to term and implant that baby into the man that got her pregnant is the day I will vote to ban abortion… and I guarantee you on that day there will never be another unwanted pregnancy… that is what I am saying.
Kent Mueller
1 year, 1 month agoThat is quite a convoluted paragraph there, Mr. Matthew Thompson. I said nothing about banning abortion. In fact, I am not in favor of that. Are you assuming that every father of an unborn baby wants the pregnancy to go full term? I’m quite sure that is not the case. But then it was you who said “forcibly impregnate men”. That was the reason for my question as to why you brought up rape. Rape had not been in this discussion until you brought it up.
Matthew Thompson
1 year, 1 month agoMaking men responsible for not keeping their penis in their pants is not rape. Women bear the brunt of all these laws that MEN are passing, men should NOT even be allowed to vote on anything that deals with WOMENS bodies. And MEN like YOU should keep your mouth SHUT when it comes to women’s health. But that is just too much to expect from conservative MEN.
Phil Cardarella
1 year, 1 month agoProblem is that it is the Anti-Feminists who have no sense of humor.
Does the fact of natural miscarriage — something far more prevelant that medical abortion —make God the great Abortionist?
And, if life really begins at conception, does that mean identical twins must share a single soul?
And, why does anyone think they are so darn important that their opinion sould matter more than that of the woman whose body is involved?
Don’t like abortion? Don’t have one. Work to expand sex ed and contraceptive avaialbility and to make alternatives to abortion more attractive — whether adoption or daycare. Do the things that reasonable people do in a free society. Don’t just try to use the criminal law as a bludgeon to win your argument.
Kent Mueller
1 year, 1 month agoPhil, I am not sure if you were addressing me, or not. But, I am quite sure Matthew was addressing me.
Identical twins having a single soul and anyone’s God being an abortionist are absurd thoughts. But hey, spend time on them if you want.
Matthew, I suspect any reasonable person would liken forcible impregnation with rape. Apparently, that excludes you, given what you wright. And evidently, you have no idea what my thoughts on abortion really are. I sent you a signal when I said that I am not in favor of banning abortion. Far from it. But you either ignored it, or you just rolled past it on your way to your quips.
I have always pressed for ways to increase the responsibility of the father’s involved with unwanted pregnancies.
But, Matthew, the hatred you harbor comes through loud and clear. You slammed me without even knowing what I am all about. Pretty touchy.
Mark Hastert
1 year, 1 month agoMy-o-my! Just mention a vagina and look at all the men in a dither! I’ll bet poor Brownie is hyperventilating and having hot flashes at all this V-talk.
George Hunsucker
Northland
1 year, 1 month agoI would say you are mark, not the rest of us…
Matthew Thompson
1 year, 1 month agoHatred is pretty darn accurate when it comes to my feeling for conservatives these days… and your right I don’t know your position on abortion… but I agree with Aimee that this stream of laws coming from Kansas legislators is outrageous, and her sarcasm is a very accurate reflection of my state of mind… there is nothing ugly Republicans will not do.
Kent Mueller
1 year, 1 month agoMark, why would you think the presence of the word vagina is objectionable. It’s not at all. We are all grownups, right? I believe the piece to be objectionable, but not because of the presence of any particular word. Mark, it was the nature of the rant that was caustic, uncivil and totally ridiculous that tipped the scales, not the word vagina.
Mark, you assume way too much.
George Hunsucker
Northland
1 year, 1 month agoThank you for your “reasoned” comments matthew…..
Matthew Thompson
1 year, 1 month agoYes, let’s have a “reasoned” discussion with Republicans these days… the birther movement, tea party movement, forced vaginal ultrasounds… the list goes on. It is too late to be reasonable with Republicans, the party is the party of pure “repugnant” evil and deserving of nothing but my disgust.
Connie Leonard-Volkman
1 year, 1 month agoStrange how the authors are all men and we all know what authorities they are as living as women.
Yanwen Xia
Overland Park
1 year, 1 month agoAimee, as always, your writing is so lively and fun to read. It gives me a good hearty laugh after a busy Friday work.
There are something that has always puzzled me. No matter where you go, you always see this phenomenon: on the one hand, women make up more than half of the population, on the other hand, they take up a small percentage in politics. That’s why we see the strange thing like all male politicians engage in lively conversations exclusively dedicated to women’s reproductive issues.
Why are women so under-represented in politics? Is it because they are not as aggressive as men or they are not interested in it or they are not as wealthy and powerful as men? After all, you need plenty of money to run for any public office.
Bill Mccwiliams
1 year, 1 month agoThe only thing that Reverend Throwback is concerned about, is making sure that life is protected in there for the nine month gestation period. But once that kid comes out, he or she is on its own.
Bill Mccwiliams
1 year, 1 month agoYanwen, it is because the majority of male politician’s believe that the political arena, should be dominated by the “Good Ole Boys Club”, and women should stay home and make brownies, and babies.
Patrick McGarry
1 year, 1 month agoWhoa, whoa, whoa! What about male responsibilty? I have the male equivalent and it’s called the erection detector (ED). Every time a male becomes aroused the ED sends a signal to Topeka that uses GPS to locate the male that plans on having non-procreative sex. A taser-like shock would be returned rendering the male into a flaccid state, thus assuring the inappropriate sex act won’t be completed. The marketing groundwork has already be laid (or is that layed) given all the ED ads on tv and in newspapers. There, problem solved.
Randy Attwood
1 year, 1 month agoNice column. I think you and many posters here would enjoy: “Rabbletown: LIie in These United Christian States of Holy America” where the religious right has won the day and the pastor governors and the Pastor President rule with a Bible in each hand and the computer in your hovel. http://www.amazon.com/Rabbletown-United-Christian-America-ebook/dp/B005DLZZTM/ref=sr13?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1311343282&sr=1-3
Eve Rabie
1 year, 1 month agoHilarious, love it. It illustrates well the ridiculousness that our government’s control over this actually looks to the thinking people out there.
Eve Rabie
1 year, 1 month ago@Roger - Happy to help you think through this one. Ever heard of deadbeat dads? Most men do not pay child support without being forced to. They feel no responsibility towards their children. Why is that a single mother’s standard of living takes a nose dive statistically after a divorce yet a single man’s goes up?? Enough said.
JR Beillenhouser
1 year, 1 month agoYeah, really funny, except the left is the one that wants the government to control everything about our lives.
Duana Guinty
1 year, 1 month agoAimee, very creative writing. I enjoyed your article, and your style. The comments interesting and thought prevoking. What a way to present such a serious topic. Thank you
Rick Adams
1 year, 1 month agoJR,
Can you point out a single contraception restricting or ultrasound forcing or RU limiting bill brought up by “the left” ?
Of course since there must be hundreds or dozens or tens or ones … it should be easy - right ?