An Open Letter to Mitt Romney
Dear Mitt,
I hope you don’t mind if I call you Mitt, and I don’t think you will because I believe you’re that kind of a guy. I know The Reverend Al Sharpton calls you Willard, maybe because that’s your first name and there was that movie Willard about a nerd who had rats for pals, so maybe he’s just spewing hate and venom there. I know that some Republicans call the president Barack Hussein Obama, and Democrats get angry about that, but they should be like Franklin Delano Roosevelt and just take it stride, and besides I’m sure no real hate or venom is intended on either side.
So Mitt I’m a fan of yours and I always defend you; like that time you said you like to fire people, and the headlines were full of “Romney Likes to Fire People,” and it looked bad at a glance. But I explained to people I talked to that it was taken out of context, you just like to fire people who are doing a bad job so we would have only good companies in this country, and it is our free enterprise system, not socialism.
Then I saw one of my friends and he was all excited and told me he had just heard breaking news: “Romney’s done it again. He said he’s not concerned with poor people. That’s all we’ll hear for the next nine months. Forget Egypt and the unemployment rate.”
Well, I got upset about that. I told my friend I was going to write a strongly worded letter to the editors about how you are, once again, being taken out of context, that what you really mean is you want to help the middle class, that overall your policy of not being concerned with the poor…then I thought…aw, heck, Mitt, I’m not defending you on this one. But this is going to be the only time I don’t defend you, probably. I’m just not writing an irate letter this time.
I still think you’re very sincere about doing the right thing, and that you’re a good man, and an honest one who always tells the truth. Mitt, the truth is fine, but like anything else, it can be improved on. Often by silence. And anybody not sure of the truth in the subject probably shouldn’t go into it in any kind of depth. It wasn’t really necessary that you single out any one group to be honest about, and now every headline and every Democrat is pointing out you don’t like poor people, when actually if open-minded people look at your total comment in context, they will see you like poor people.
It’s just that, see, everybody around here is American. Just look at us all like that. Don’t even mention black, or white, or yellow people, or orange people in New Jersey or California. Call everybody here Americans, especially that most-populous group, the German-Americans. Sure, there may have been a few radical Germans, but overall we’re a peaceful people. Yes, Mitt, I’m one of them. And I’ve already apologized, even if I didn’t really have to. I had a cousin who was a GI killed in WWII and another cousin who flew in the Luftwaffe and spent most of that war as a prisoner in Canada. If my relatives hadn’t gotten mad in Germany a long time ago about something none of them remembers and one bunch left for America, they might all have stayed there, or all have come here, and my cousins would have fought together, probably with the same zeal. That’s the way war and nationalities work. It’s all accidental.
So just consider us all as being in the In group: us Americans. Also, you did two things wrong already, at least according to the media, and you know how much attention they get. So please do not say anything else the media might consider rash. That will take great care. Say, for example, that you want to start a new agency with a noble purpose like ending racism. Do not name it anything controversial, like, say, the Department of the Ku Klux Klan. You could explain all you want that you plan to use it to eradicate all remnants of that group, not promote it, and you still would get misleading headlines such as, “Romney loves KKK, loves firing people, hates poor.”
Just one more suggestion: I believe you will win the election in November, but in case you don’t, and are looking for a job in government, do not ask the possible winner, Newt, Rick or Ron, if you can be press spokesman.
Yours for America, and still your friend, Bob Friskel. P.S. I like the idea about eliminating the EPA to spur American business, but I have two relatives who work there and I am up on it, and it probably would be better not to entirely eliminate it but to make surgical cuts to eliminate only those workers not needed.
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Sam Woods
3 months, 1 week agoYou’re funny. I like it. But still, don’t throw trash out your car window. That’s just lame.
Mark Hastert
3 months, 1 week agoIf you don’t like political rancor you’d better get off the internet, turn off your TV and radio, and disconnect your phone for the next nine months. Alternately put factcheck.org, opensectrects.org and politifact.com in your browser favorites. All else consider half truths or outright lies but please recycle all those mailings.